Syfy Original Film Arachnoquake Review!
Is it Christmas time already? Nope, Syfy just loves its loyal cheesy movie lovers so much that they decided to hand out gifts the whole month of June in the form of one original Syfy film each week! Last week was Piranhaconda, and this Saturday…wait for it…it’s ARACHNOQUAKE! Giant albino spiders break free from the depths of Earth in New Orleans, making everyone’s worst nightmare a reality. Oh, and did I forget to mention that these giant albino spiders not only shoot web from their ass like a normal spider, but breath fire, too?!?! That’s right, Syfy cares enough to take that extra step of outlandishness.
Note: I know the silk (webbing) spiders make technically come from their abdomen, but it’s more fun to say ass so there.
I’m going to just come out and say it: Arachnoquake isn’t as awesome as Piranhaconda. Awww, I know that sucks, but before you fall into a crippling depression and call in to work tomorrow because I crushed your soul, know that Arachnoquake is still pretty good…in a very bad way naturally. One bonus (I suppose) is that it stars blasts from the past Tracey Gold (Growing Pains) and Edward Furlong (Terminator 2), so not all of the acting completely sucks balls.
One problem with a story about spiders is that when they first appear in this film, they are tiny – so tiny one might step on them easily, which leaves me wondering why the hell the characters aren’t stepping on them instead of freaking out and running away. The arachnoids do vary in size, though, with some growing and shrinking based on the camera angle, and by the end there’s a building-sized spider trashing downtown New Orleans.
Arachnoquake provides pretty good entertainment value and airs this Saturday, June 23, 2012 at 9/8c on the Syfy channel.
This is the Action Chick, and you’ve just been kicked in the ass!