Meet Ticket-Tooth Philip, a modern day Fagin…only dirtier in both mind and appearance.

In this Funny or Die short, Sir Patrick Stewart stars as Ticket-Tooth Philip, an expert at scalping who decides to give up a few trade secrets. Also starring 11-time Olympic medalist Ryan Lochte, Shaun Of The Dead‘s Simon Pegg and Game of Thrones‘ Maisie Williams (brilliantly cast as an Artful Dodger-type); this video is guaranteed fried gold as far as the laughs go.

Told you so. Now go forth and enjoy your day.